Lengthy Introspection

I couldn't locate the artist's
name, but isn't this great?

It was years ago, with all the kids still home,
and all that "years ago" conveys: no graying
at the temples or lines etched upon my face,
much lighter than I am today, and fitter too,
a different skill set utilized at church and
homeschool teaching, living month to month
but paying bills on time. I sat with friends as
they complained about their jobs and husbands
and I thought, "I like my life, just as it is."
Smug bitch. I do not make the judgement lightly,
as I know exactly what was in my thoughts,
presuming that I had the corner on Things
As They Ought to Be, when in actuality,
by looking back from fifty-five I know it wasn't true.
Or maybe now I've raised my standards,
don't expect perfection from myself, as once before,
but do expect a little more from others. Imagination
always keen, I duped myself into believing
that the dreams I dreamed, the vision that I took
to be the Best, was what I really saw. Reality is harder,
tougher, bleaker but it's honest, and that's
better in so many ways. It wasn't that I tried
to lie to younger versions of myself, I thought
that things would change, that people would,
that we'd evolve together into something grand,
that anything that didn't measure up to what
I thought was better for their happiness, they'd
see as well, and work on, and one day we'd
be there, be the perfect couple, family,
the closely-knit enjoyers of each other's company
above all others, putting nothing else in front
of universal project of Just Us, shared goal
of hopes and dreams and plans. But that was then,
before life taught the tougher lessons in curriculum.
We scatter, move, achieve, sometimes we grow beyond
provincial concepts that once seemed to be the
highest that we could conceive. Somewhere along
the way, I learned that people never change
because it's right or prudent or because they love me
and of course will do the thing I ask or wish.
We do the things we want to do, that's all. Whether
heaven, hell or simply self, we please whichever one
we please because it's just the one we want,
with different reasons for the choices we have made.
At certain point we understand that no one's
going to make us be the good or noble man,
the kind and loving wife, the child who speaks respectfully,
the friend whose motivations are most pure,
and if we figure out that being such as these is
who we want to be, we will become them,
simply put, but not until that point.
Today I'd sit together with my friends and think,
"I like my life, just as it is," but not with blinders
on, no false impressions clouding what I see.
I see the things I hope will change, the wrinkles
that I trust will one day smooth, the faults and weaknesses
of those around (and mostly, in the mirror) but
the joy of letting go, no longer trying to effect
a change in anyone or anything but me? I wish
that I had understood it sooner, that the choices
others make are theirs alone.


(c) Ellen Gillette, 2013